Nursery Rhymes !

Mary had a little lamb
she milked it with a spanner
the milk came out in shilling tins
the littles ones a tanner

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses an all the kings men
Had scambled egg for breakfast

Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one and smashed the mouses head in

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten Thousand men
His case comes up next friday

Mary had a little lamb
The doctor feinted

Jimmy Carr – Jokes

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen

If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident.

Have you seen the adverts with the guy that goes: Every time I click my fingers an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn’t help thinking, “well stop clicking your fingers!

I grew up in Slough in the 1970s.If you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970s… go there now.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

Easy weight loss !

A rather plump man saw an advertisement that read “Lose 10lbs in 5 days- guaranteed or your money back”, so he decided to send off for it.

The following day, there was a knock on the door and there in front of his very eyes stood a beautiful, sexy, scantilly clad 19 year old doll.

She said that she was there for his weight loss program and that if he could catch her, he could make love with her. Then suddenly she ran off.

The man, without thinking, ran after her. Unfortunately she was too fast for him and after a few miles he gave up.

This happened for the next five days and every day he failed to catch her.

After 5 days he weighed himself and found to his delight that he had lost 10 lbs

So the next day he called the same company and paid them for their 5 day 20 pound weight loss program.

As sure as eggs are eggs the next day there is a knock on the door. He opens it to be confronted with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and all she is wearing is a bikini…..and running shoes. She repeats the same offer as the previous woman and for 5 days the man tries unsuccesfully to catch her.

After this 5 day period he weighs himself and is astonished that he has lost another 20 lbs.

He was now much lighter and getting fitter so thought that he should go for broke and joined the 5 day, 5o pound scheme. He telephones the weight loss company and a woman says are you sure as this is a very stressful scheme. Sure replies the man I feel better than I have done in years.

The next day he waits patiently for the knock on the door and when it happens he opens the door excitedly. There standing in front of him is a 6 foot muscular man wearing nothng but a thong and pink trainers. He says If I catch you you are mine all mine.

The man lost his 50 pounds in 5 days but didn’t try the weight loss program any more

Noisy Neighbours?

A young Scottish lad named Angus decided to live in America. He rented a small apartment in a large block and settled in.

After a couple of weeks, his mum rang him from Scotland. “How are you doing, son”, she enquired. “Oh! I’m ok mum”, he replied “but there are some really strange neighbours in the block”. “One of the neighbours spends all day crying and another one in the next apartment bangs on my wall all day”

His mum said “you be careful Angus and don’t mix with them”

“I don’t mum”, he replied, “I just stay in my apartment all day and night playing my bagpipes”